Busy, Busy, and Clueless

Half way there Carol told me that she would not go on to Prescott with me where I was going to lead a large college retreat. My wife wanted to stay in Phoenix with my parents for the weekend and I could pick her up on the way back, she said. I didn’t understand why she would want to change plans, why she did not want to go along to be part of the “big event”. But clueless as I was, I didn’t even ask her why, I just dropped her off and went on my way. Or maybe I did ask her and she quietly refused to tell me so as not to worry me or disturb all my “big plans”.

On the way home I stopped to pick her up. For the first time I noticed that she didn’t look like she was feeling well. Quietly we began our two hour drive home to Tucson. Slowly, in broken, tearful words she told me that she had lost the baby. She was pregnant with our second child when I dropped her off in Phoenix, but while I was off to conquer the world she had miscarried.

Her emotions were a world different than mine. She had lost a child she hadn’t seen, didn’t know, but loved deeply. And her man hardly knew the pain she had anticipated, then endured. Me. Oh it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like a jerk. A stupid, clueless, unloving, unsupportive jerk. I probably didn’t say much. Didn’t know what to say. Oh I probably said all the appropriate things – “I didn’t even know. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be with you. Are you alright? We can have another baby. It’ll be okay.”

What I was really feeling and thinking was this. I was mad at God for having to always be so busy about His work that I was clueless of my wife’s needs. But I knew it wasn’t His fault, so I was mad at myself. And I was mad at my senior pastor for being so demanding, even though I thrived on the energy and vision he exuded.

I am sure I had not settled down from fuming and arguing with myself when we finally got home and drove into the driveway. And there in the middle of the carport was my turntable, my prized stereo component, a belt-drive Dual turntable. What in the world was it doing in such a strange place? Then it hit me. It came from inside the house. We went into our home and found it totally burglarized. Everything was off the shelves, out of the drawers, strewn everywhere. Everything we had owned that was of value was gone. Jewelry, coins, silver, stereo – everything.

Talk about a double whammy. God got my attention. But you know, it’s still hard to change. It was easier to give up the earthly possessions than it was to give up the mindset that God needed me for His kingdom more than Carol needed me for our love relation. It took me years to learn to give her the attention she deserved, even though I desperately and lovingly wanted to give it. She helps now by gently clueing me in whenever I get clueless. I’m still improving. Slow but sure. Oh yes. And twenty-five years later I finally got smart and replaced the jewelry with one nice ruby necklace. Her birthstone. And she wears it all the time.

“Each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:33)

“I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh. Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels.” (Song of Songs 1:9-10)