Daily Affirmation

It was advice that cost me a small fortune, but it has paid big dividends.  “Never let a day draw to an end but that you don’t affirm your wife, recognizing something that you noticed that day.”

We were in a crisis. We, being my wife and I. I had just admitted a moral failure to her, to our kids, and to our church. She was devastated. So, we committed to visit with a Christian counselor every two weeks for several months. Maybe he could help us restore our relationship, her trust in me, my love for her, and all things bright and beautiful.

That was probably expecting more than any counselor could deliver. But he tried. He probably gave us lots of good advice and helped us inch our way back to civility. It actually took several years to earn her trust again, but she was committed to stay married and try to rebuild.

Counselors do not come cheap, most of us realize. That is why I say it was advice that cost me a small fortune.  It is the only advice I remember from the many sessions we sat through. But I will never forget it. It was advice that I immediately knew would pay huge dividends in restoring our relationship.  At first, she had a tough time believing it was well-intentioned to tell her something I appreciated about her. She needed affirmation but could not receive it initially. But the biggest dividend was found in my own heart. I set my mind to take note of things she did, then to purposefully affirm her. It helped to restore and renew my love for her. I guess I discovered that speaking words of affirmation has an effect on both parties.

I can’t say that I have been consistent to affirm Carol, not nearly as well I should. But I will say that some 25 years later, now, she recently said that there is no one in the world that she trusts more than me. And I would say that there is no one in the world so beautiful, who I love so incredibly. One of my favorite titles for her, recently, to affirm one of her greatest strengths, is “super-grandma.”

Affirmation is the act of positively and emotionally supporting and encouraging another person. Without it our hearts dry up and wither away, or we may become cold, hard, and bitter. Take notice of actions, selfless deeds, kindness and gentleness, hard work, accomplishments, and persistence. Praise that person. But don’t cheapen your affirmation by making it so general that it is unrelated to something praiseworthy. A teacher from Australia came to America on an exchange program. While here he noted that Americans pat each other on the back a lot, offering superficial acknowledgment or appreciation. He commented, “that’s kind of like peeing in somebody’s pocket. At first it’s nice and warm, but eventually it just cold and wet.”

Teachers, coaches, pastors – we all need to affirm more, and criticize and chide less. Fathers need to look for opportunities to tell their children that they are proud of them. Husbands need to tell their wives, “what you did today was incredibly helpful and selfless. Thank you. I love you.” Not once, but often.  You can’t get too much affirmation.