Men With Root Rot

When I first got my tree farm some fifteen years ago I hired a friend to manage the initial logging operation. I would come by to check on the progress just about every day.  As the crew worked their way through the stand of Douglas Fir they came to one tall, majestic tree, the king of the forest in my opinion.  But the loggers waved me over and took me on a walk to the back side of that tree. They had some bad news to tell me. They pointed up about thirty feet where sap was pouring out of the tree’s trunk. “This tree has laminated root rot” they said,” and it’s no good for timber. The rot extends well up into the tree and the lumber would be pithy and worthless. So, we are going to just leave it standing for now. With root rot that bad it won’t be long before a wind will blow it over, especially now that the other trees are being cut away.”

This story is about men, though, not about trees. Men with rot root. Men who are tall and majestic looking, but whose roots have rotted away.  Ready to blow over when that unexpected wind storm buffets them and they can no longer stand upright.

Every week he would say to me the same thing when I asked him how things were going. He was usually holding on to one or both of his small children, diaper bag draped over his shoulder, standing alone while his wife was off and about chatting with family and friends. He was a really nice guy, very likeable, always smiling. And he knew and loved the Lord. But every week he would say to me, “Oh, I’m just living the dream.” And I would walk away thinking to myself, what dream is he talking about.  His wife teaches full time and she negotiated with him to give up his employment and stay at home to watch the kids rather than hiring childcare. She gets up in front of the church with her ministry endeavors while he is in the back holding onto the kids.

I mean, I am no professional arborist or seasoned logger, but when it comes to men I can see the sap running out of the tree trunk thirty feet up. I know when the roots are getting rotten and the source of life is being cut off. I wondered about the dream he said he was living. So, one time I greeted him and he gave me the same-o, same-o, “Oh, just living the dream”.  I stood there with my hand on his shoulder for a good long time looking him eye to eye. Finally, I spoke, “That doesn’t mean a thing to me.” His whole demeanor changed, like he had been exposed. His face dropped, and in measured response he simply said, “Yeah, I know.”

God designed men and women differently.  I am yet to figure out how women are designed, but I think I know men pretty well. God put into the heart of men to be a protector, to be a provider, to be a leader. He will rise to the occasion, take action, and take risks, all because he is a lover who wants to meet the deepest needs of the one he loves. That’s his heartbeat, and unless he is derailed or he’s damaged goods he will do his best to live out his design for his woman and his family. He may not do it perfectly (I certainly did not), but he does not want to be demeaned or usurped. Because then he will withdraw. In fact, what he really, really wants is respect. He doesn’t want a note with hearts and kisses on it saying how much he is loved. No, just tell him how much you appreciate and respect his effort, his sacrifice, his thoughtful decisions. Men need respect, whereas women want to be loved (Eph 5:33). Men need encouragement and freedom to live out God’s design. Otherwise, root rot may bring the tree crashing down.

Hearing God Speak

I went with my brother-in-law to a men’s group meeting while visiting out of town. I love it when men get together to encourage each other, being real and authentic, seeking to grow deeper in their trust relationship with Jesus. That night they were discussing a chapter in a book about hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit. They debated and discussed the topic, theoretically, questioning if it could be true, wondering how anyone could ever begin to hear God’s voice, and if so, could it be trusted. They asked each person what they thought. When it was my turn, I said this: “You can seek God’s guidance in the Bible, and through wisdom and advisors. But the trump card, for me, is when the Holy Spirit speaks.”

There are many Christians who deny that God would speak to a Christian today. They say that since we have the revelation of God’s Word, the Bible, that we do not need God to speak to us anymore. Furthermore, the gifts of the Holy Spirit – prophecy, word of knowledge, word of wisdom, and other sign gifts – were only for the apostles to be empowered to start the church. I was taught this for years growing up. But I guess that I was just rebel enough to leave the door open to the possibility that this was not true. I read the Bible and knew the stories. Abraham heard God’s voice. The boy Samuel heard God speak to him. Noah must have heard God quite clearly.  Adam walked and talked with God, which must have been God’s original desire. The prophets heard God, clearly. Job and Gideon, too. Peter, Paul, the apostles, Phillip, Ananias (in Damascus), and many others heard God speak to them. But I was told to believe that around 90 AD God quit speaking to men.  All guidance was to come from the Bible, and the Bible only. Someone much wiser than me coined a term for this, “bibliolatry”.

At a point in ministry when I was desperate for guidance and reassurance from God He finally broke through and spoke clearly to me, for the first time. I sat in tears in my van, parked along side the road. As I began to hear and trust the voice of the Holy Spirit more and more, I would write down what He said to me. I kept them in a file folder because I thought it was so very, very special. After a couple years the folder became quite full, but I realized that I never referred to them. Rather, I was constantly praying and seeking new and timely guidance from the Holy Spirit.  So, I threw away the folder, and trusted the abiding presence of Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, to be my guiding voice, when and how he chose.

After many years of hearing the Holy Spirit --either speaking a message to me, a word of knowledge, or in a dream – I began to talk freely about it, seeking to encourage others to listen and trust. I would hear retorts of every kind. “There is too much emphasis put on that.” “Satan will deceive you”. “I don’t need God’s voice, I have the Bible.” “Every time I hear someone say they had a dream or heard God speak to them the red light goes on”. But the one that really caught my attention was this: “If you hear the Holy Spirit talk to you, and I don’t, are you trying to tell me that you are better than me in some way, or that I don’t have as much faith as you.”

I think I have some answers. First and foremost, for those who have been indoctrinated not to listen for the Holy Spirit, or to trust dreams, they have a spiritual, theological block in their heart and mind. It is unlikely that the Holy Spirit can break through what you have determined to believe. Their theology quenches the Holy Spirit, plain and simple. Secondly, we do not realize how busy our mind is most all the time. There are voices clamoring and thoughts ruminating constantly. And we don’t discipline our mind to listen for the voice of the Holy Spirit. I came to this realization one time listening to wives talk about how little their husbands listened to them. They could talk for two or three minutes, while he was engrossed in something else, and realize that he had not heard a single word she had said. We do the same with the Holy Spirit. He cannot even get our attention, because we never, ever listen. A third answer pertains to hearing the voice of God through dreams. Once again, if you believe that dreams are not from God and you jokingly attribute them to eating pizza the night before, you will not pay attention to them. Your belief wins out, but you are horribly mistaken. For those who want to trust God’s guidance through dreams you need to realize something very practical.  For a dream to be remembered it must come to us during light sleep, not deep sleep. When we are almost awake, almost conscious. The Holy Spirit does this so that He can get our attention, when our mind is not cluttered, and when we can awake into full consciousness and remember it. But if we are lazy about spiritual input, we may just roll over and go back to sleep. Then we lose the dream – it will be snatched away, or we just plain will not remember it. So, what I have done for years now is to discipline myself to get up when I have a dream, go to the desk and write it down. Tomorrow, then, I don’t need to try to remember it, only prayerfully determine its meaning.

Jesus said to his followers that when he returned to the Father He would send the Helper, the Holy Spirit, to live in his followers. He did not want us to be orphans, but to have the very presence of the Godhead dwelling in us. Jesus specified what the Holy Spirit would do to help us -- guide us, teach us, remind us, tell us things to come, speak to us, convict us, and testify of Jesus (John 14-16). These all sound to me very much communicative and even articulate. I would not want it any other way.

“My sheep listen to my voice. I know them, and they follow me.”  (John 10:27)

Daily Affirmation

It was advice that cost me a small fortune, but it has paid big dividends.  “Never let a day draw to an end but that you don’t affirm your wife, recognizing something that you noticed that day.”

We were in a crisis. We, being my wife and I. I had just admitted a moral failure to her, to our kids, and to our church. She was devastated. So, we committed to visit with a Christian counselor every two weeks for several months. Maybe he could help us restore our relationship, her trust in me, my love for her, and all things bright and beautiful.

That was probably expecting more than any counselor could deliver. But he tried. He probably gave us lots of good advice and helped us inch our way back to civility. It actually took several years to earn her trust again, but she was committed to stay married and try to rebuild.

Counselors do not come cheap, most of us realize. That is why I say it was advice that cost me a small fortune.  It is the only advice I remember from the many sessions we sat through. But I will never forget it. It was advice that I immediately knew would pay huge dividends in restoring our relationship.  At first, she had a tough time believing it was well-intentioned to tell her something I appreciated about her. She needed affirmation but could not receive it initially. But the biggest dividend was found in my own heart. I set my mind to take note of things she did, then to purposefully affirm her. It helped to restore and renew my love for her. I guess I discovered that speaking words of affirmation has an effect on both parties.

I can’t say that I have been consistent to affirm Carol, not nearly as well I should. But I will say that some 25 years later, now, she recently said that there is no one in the world that she trusts more than me. And I would say that there is no one in the world so beautiful, who I love so incredibly. One of my favorite titles for her, recently, to affirm one of her greatest strengths, is “super-grandma.”

Affirmation is the act of positively and emotionally supporting and encouraging another person. Without it our hearts dry up and wither away, or we may become cold, hard, and bitter. Take notice of actions, selfless deeds, kindness and gentleness, hard work, accomplishments, and persistence. Praise that person. But don’t cheapen your affirmation by making it so general that it is unrelated to something praiseworthy. A teacher from Australia came to America on an exchange program. While here he noted that Americans pat each other on the back a lot, offering superficial acknowledgment or appreciation. He commented, “that’s kind of like peeing in somebody’s pocket. At first it’s nice and warm, but eventually it just cold and wet.”

Teachers, coaches, pastors – we all need to affirm more, and criticize and chide less. Fathers need to look for opportunities to tell their children that they are proud of them. Husbands need to tell their wives, “what you did today was incredibly helpful and selfless. Thank you. I love you.” Not once, but often.  You can’t get too much affirmation.