Tried So Hard. Failed. Then Grace

The magazine had a contest, asking readers to describe their best birthday in six words. The next month, their favorite vacation, in just six words. So I thought to try to write my testimony in just six words. And this is it: “Tried so hard. Failed. Then grace.”

Now this was at the age of 57, mind you, and a lot of water had gone under the bridge. In fact I had written my testimony many times before, at different stages of my life, and a different theme captured my message each time. But this one says more than any other about me, about my life, about what God has done in me. It’s not easy to tell, but it’s real. The story is humbling, on my part, but glorious on His. For you see His grace is truly amazing. Almost scandalous. Had I not failed so miserably I may have just kept trying so hard. And the depths of the nature of God’s grace might have eluded my finding out.

I was a pastor for many years. Without knowing it, though, I was trying to make myself pleasing and acceptable to God by all my own effort. He saved me, yes, but after that I had to present myself righteous to Him. So I tried. Tried so hard. Then one year the effort was not enough. I caved into temptation. I had an immoral relationship with another woman. I resigned from the church and wondered if I could ever be healed or ever draw close to God again. My wife wrote in her journal, “What I could not imagine would ever happen, it happened.”

For several years, then, I lived in guilt and shame. I didn’t tell anyone what had happened, not unless I felt morally obligated to do so. Otherwise, I kept it quiet. I put on a bigger mask, one that not only hid my failures, but also my guilt and shame. Let me be clear, it was not my wife, Carol, who kept me in guilt and shame. She told me just once the incredible depths of her hurt and pain, and I shall never forget it. But she didn’t hold it over me, didn’t constantly harangue me. Her love and forgiveness, in time, were incredible. She is one precious gift.

Admittedly, I am a very slow learner sometimes. It began to dawn on me that God still loved me. Yes I had failed him. Miserably so. But Jesus makes me righteous, not Dave Eymann. By trusting Jesus, simple as that sounds, God sees me as righteous. He loves me, really truly loves me, even when I fail. I could not be good enough, let alone perfect, no matter how hard I tried. All I could do was trust His love. I figured out that it is by His love alone that He changes my heart. It’s that powerful. Then it got through to my head and my heart that he forgives me for my failure. Apart from His forgiveness, shame and guilt would be my life and my destiny. But I had the sense that forgiveness would not be complete unless I could confess, unashamedly, that I had failed and that I was forgiven. Oh, but that nasty shame, it kept me bound up and afraid.

While God’s Spirit was slowly teaching me these truths two things developed. I heard Bill Thrall1 teach on grace, and it gave shape and form to all these heart-felt concepts. They were true. They were real. There is hope. Grace really is all it’s cracked up to be. And more. Then I sought out a group of men to meet with. I was desperate for some guys to trust, someone who could help me take off the masks, to be real, who would still love me, and help me walk in grace. I told them later that I had planned to give the group a try for two weeks and if there was no realness then I had my excuse already prepared to quit. But there was a tinge of hope. After six months of building relationships and pushing for authenticity, I finally told them my story. I’ve told more since. Why? Because it’s important that Christians know that grace isn’t only good for salvation, it’s our every day meat and potatoes. We can’t repent and turn ourselves around 180 degrees. How often had I tried that, and failed every time. By trust, always and only, we live and walk in His love, His forgiveness, His repentance. That’s the power of grace.

“For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by trust relationship, from the first to the last, just as it is written, my righteous ones will live by trust relationship.” (Romans 1:17, my paraphrase)

“Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?” (Galatians 3:3)

1 Bill Thrall, along with two colleagues, has written two books about grace, True Faced, and Bo’s Café.